


No Matter What I Will...

by KittenWolf29



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Get Together, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M, Mild Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 16:04:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5297531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittenWolf29/pseuds/KittenWolf29
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary:  Sanzo knew that Goku was infatuated with him, but he also knew that it would fade as Goku came into his own.  How very wrong he was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Matter What I Will...

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Saiyuki.  
> And I hope this is okay.  
> Oh, question is there such a thing as a breakfast room?

Sanzo understood that Goku had believed he was in love with him, and he was even uncommonly patient with the boy's overt interest in him… but he knew that sooner or later, Goku would turn his gaze onto other, more approachable people. Though whether they be men, women or both, Sanzo didn't know.

And that is what seemed to have happened in the last few months. Goku no longer watched every move Sanzo made, he no longer gave him subtle gifts that he knew Sanzo would like, and he no longer gazed at him as if he were something awe-inspiring and special. 

Because Sanzo had already known that this would happen, he accepted this change with a calm resignation. He had always known, even from the beginning, that Goku wouldn't be content just staying with him. Not that boy who vibrantly enjoyed and appreciated everything life had to offer.

So, when Goku began treating him more distantly and going after women, than men, Sanzo just stayed on the sidelines and watched as his charge began to enjoy his sensuality.

Waking up reluctantly, Sanzo gazed up at the cracked ceiling of yet another inn where they were staying, and listened to the silence that seemed to surround him. This eerie silence had been like this over the past five months as Goku had somehow shut down their connection and stopped being around him all the time. 

Sanzo would never admit it out-loud, but he wasn't too proud to confess to himself that he missed his saru. He missed his loud, constant voice, his cheerful presence and the caring look he'd always had when he'd looked at Sanzo. But he knew that he wasn't getting those things back… because sooner or later those he relied on left him in one manner or another. Whether they died or abandoned him or even just stopped caring, they left and Sanzo had long ago accepted that.

Still, it didn't make Goku's emotional distance from him any easier. It hurt, more intensely than he could ever admit… even to himself. 

Closing his eyes to block the stinging his eyes were doing, because he had stopped crying long ago, Sanzo took deep, meditative breaths to help gather his composure and let it out… controlling the emotional turmoil that wanted to break free inside of him. When he had gained control, Sanzo opened his eyes and got up to get ready for another long, arduous day.

When he went down for breakfast, Sanzo saw that Hakkai was already at the table but he was alone. The perverted, lazy kappa and the slow saru were no doubt still asleep… probably after a long night carousing.

The two had been more and more inseparable as Goku had started picking up some of the kappa's bad habits. They went out together and did who knew what… but in the morning they were usually tired and smirking, so Sanzo didn't like to think about it.

Sanzo knew that Hakkai was suffering as much he was, but like him, was able to mask his pain proficiently. So, often they would quietly spend sparse companionable moments together, since both recognized the pain the other was feeling.

“Good morning, Sanzo. Did you sleep well?” Hakkai courteously asked, as he gently smiled at Sanzo.

Scoffing sarcastically, Sanzo just sat down and drank the coffee that Hakkai had already ordered for him, while he ate sparingly of the breakfasts food on the table.

They ate in their customary relaxed silence, but Sanzo could feel that there was something that Hakkai wanted to talk to him about, so he shot the usually unruffled healer a questioning look.

“Ah, as observant as ever, Sanzo. There is something I wish to ask of you… however, it is highly presumptuous of me. Still, I believe I wish to risk it.” Hakkai smoothly told him.

Setting down his coffee cup, Sanzo eyed the healer warily, curious about what Hakkai wanted.

“Just spit it out, Hakkai. You know I don't like it when you play word games instead of just saying whatever the fuck you want to say.” Sanzo brusquely said.

“Very well. I suppose this is a good time to ask, since the other two are still asleep and we are the only customers at this Inn. How fortuitous. Will you… allow me to kiss you?” Hakkai hesitantly asked Sanzo, looking him into the eye.

Shocked, Sanzo could only stare at Hakkai for a moment. Until; 

“Why the fuck would you ask me that?! I know for a fact that I'm not the one you want to kiss, so why ask?” He demanded to know.

Hakkai looked at Sanzo in a considering manner for a long moment before he answered, unfazed.

“Because I am tired of waiting for him to open his eyes and see me. I wish to know if it is possible for me to desire anyone else beside he who will not look at me.” 

Sanzo stilled at this pronouncement. He could intimately understand why Hakkai was tired of waiting for Gojyo to wake up and notice him and would want to see if he could move one with someone else. However, Sanzo already knew that for him, there would never be anyone else besides Goku. As much as he had never admitted it to even himself, Sanzo knew what he felt for Goku would stay for the rest of his life… even if he didn't want it to.

Still, Sanzo wanted his… friend to be content with his life and waiting for that kappa made Hakkai more unhappy every day. So, he would do this… to hopefully help Hakkai move on.

Slowly nodding, Sanzo turned to face Hakkai, but otherwise didn't make a move. Gratitude lit up Hakkai's non-monocled green eye as he too turned to face Sanzo. Leaning forward, Hakkai gently placed his lips on Sanzo's and coaxed them to open for him. Following Hakkai's lead, Sanzo tentatively kissed back. 

Kissing was… nice. Sanzo hadn't expected that. Whenever he'd been forcefully kissed in the past, it was always by fucking perverts that thought they could take what they wanted from him without his consent. It had happened a few times when he'd been traveling alone as a teenager trying to find his master's scripture, but he'd always made sure that the ones who'd taken a kiss from him had paid for it with their lives. 

Now, that he was willingly, even trustingly, allowing someone to kiss him… it didn't feel too bad. Nothing he would need to try again as it wasn't anything but a pressing of lips against lips, but it was okay. At least now, Sanzo knew what it was liked to be kissed without lusty intentions.

“What the fuck?!” Came the shocked voice of Gojyo. 

Breaking apart Hakkai and Sanzo looked around to see Gojyo and Goku standing just inside the open doorway to the breakfast room, looking on them disbelievingly.

“What, you two are… fucking each other now?!” Gojyo asked, incredulous, beginning to look furious. While Goku just quietly stood there, gazing at Sanzo with a look Sanzo had never seen before. It was an ambivalent, heated look that Sanzo couldn't read. Goku's eyes seemed to sear his very core.

Sanzo was abruptly interrupted by his unexpected staring contest with Goku by Gojyo stalking up to him and grabbing the front of his robes, shouting.

“Where the fuck do you get off, playin' with Hakkai for some relief! Go out and find somebody if that's what you fucking want!” 

Hakkai, who had stayed frozen by the unexpected appearance of Gojyo and Goku, stood up and placed a restraining hand on Gojyo's forearm, as he aloofly said.

“Gojyo, please put down Sanzo. He wasn't the one who kissed me, I am the one who initiated it. Regardless, Sanzo is not one to use people in such a manner.”

Gojyo started at Hakkai's impersonal tone, and roughly dropped the monk back into his seat. However, Sanzo was furious at Gojyo's accusation and his daring to grab him like that. 

Getting angrily to his feet, Sanzo punched the kappa hard in the face and spat out, protective fury of a friend making his voice resound.

“Don't project your baseless fucking jealousy onto me! Hakkai's going to find someone sooner or fucking later and you don't have a right to say a damn thing about it! So, either man the fuck up or let him the fuck go! You can't expect him to wait around for you forever, you hopeless, womanizing, selfish asshole!”

With that he stalked off without a backward glance at anyone… even to Goku, who he had to pass so that he could get out and be alone.  
Goku looked back once more at his friends, who were just standing there not saying anything, but exchanging looks that spoke volumes… and left them to talk and hopefully, finally get together.

Goku, however, had his sun to speak to about something he never thought he'd have the courage to bring up..

He found Sanzo in his room, sitting stiffly on his bed, looking out the window across from it. It almost looked like he was waiting for someone… for Goku to come across him.

“Sanzo? Can… can we talk? There's some things I wanna tell you.” He asked, hesitantly.

Sanzo didn't respond, but he didn't tell Goku to get out either so the itan took that to mean he had permission. He took a deep, nervous breath and began.

“Didja know that I've loved ya for a long, long time? Prob'ly longer than I've known 'bout it. That I never wanted ta be with no one else but you… but I… know that you don't want that. I know you don't love me like I want ya too… so I just… I did somethin' stupid an' listened ta Gojyo when he told me that if I can't be with the one I love… than I'll hafta settle for others and maybe it'll hurt less.”

Goku stopped as he blinked rapidly so that the tears that wanted to fall, wouldn't because he knew that they would upset Sanzo if he let them free. Shutting his eyes tightly, Goku resumed talking… explaining, remorse and pain lining his every word.

“I know I've been actin' real distant an' haven't been nice an' all… but I didn't know what ta do wit' my feeling's anymore! They grew too strong an' I… I jus' wanted ta be with ya, but I couldn't. Cuz ya don't want me like that… an' I figured that if I just pushed 'em away, than… than it wouldn't hurt so much. But, I'm really sorry… cuz even though I shoulda thought 'bout it, I forgot… that I can hurt ya… even when no one else can. I've always known that, so I used ta be real careful not to. I'm really, really, so sorry, Sanzo! I shoulda put ya first.” Goku cried out, keeping his eyes closed so that he didn't release the tears that wanted to escape.

After Goku had stopped talking, there was silence… a tense, waiting silence as both Goku and Sanzo waited for the other to speak. Surprisingly, Sanzo was the first to break and he didn't pull his punches.

“Your an idiot, saru. You presumed a lot of things without asking me what I wanted. I know this is going to be hard to accept, but I want you to just listen to me and not fucking interrupt me, got it?” Sanzo demanded, irritably. 

Turning to face Goku, Sanzo's intense violet eyes pinned Goku where he sat as Sanzo started talking.

“I've knew for a fucking long time that you thought you loved me. I knew that, but, Goku, think about it. It's only gratitude for releasing you from that cave all those years ago. It's only because you've been around me for so long that you've deluded yourself into believing that your feelings are that of love… most likely they are that of friendship. Or you're infatuated with me… which will pass, given time.” 

Sanzo stopped, not because he was done, but because Goku had an unfamiliar, truly enraged look spreading over his normally gleeful face… and Sanzo felt the hair on the back of his neck stand in foreboding… as if he'd chosen to continue… he would've unleashed something deadly.

“Maybe I did assume… but ya never gave me any other choice. I can read ya better'n anyone… but even I can't read everythin' 'bout ya! And it looks like I wasn't the only one to assume things, neither! You have no right to say my feelin's for ya aren't real or that I'm mixin' 'em up with gratitude. Yeah, I'm always gonna be grateful that ya freed me… I can't help it since I was so lonely there… but that don't mean what I'm feelin' ain't real. I know what friendship feels like, cuz I have Gojyo an' Hakkai in case ya forgot… even if every feelin' is a little different for each person. And I'm not infatuated… cuz I've loved ya for a long, long time… but fallin' in love feels different.” Goku said, sincerely.

Sanzo stayed quiet as he listened to Goku's words, his tone and watched the emotions crossing over his expressive features… but even when every one of that revealed that Goku was telling the truth, Sanzo just couldn't bring himself to believe it. And it wasn't because Goku had been distancing himself from him recently, and it wasn't because Goku had been with an untold number of men and women, it wasn't even because he didn't return Goku's feelings… it was because he wouldn't accept that someone loved him… and wouldn't leave him. 

It was better to believe that it was just gratitude misplaced, or infatuation or even lust,… anything that couldn't spell out Sanzo being loved and eventually abandoned once more. Like his master had done, by sacrificing his life for him, like his parents who'd sent him to drift on a river. He didn't want to believe that Goku wouldn't leave him… because that way led to the pain of being left behind.

Goku stilled, he could feel something coming from Sanzo. It was the mysterious, inexplicable link that bond him and Sanzo even tighter together than they would already be without it. He'd never told Sanzo that the link worked both way… though, with Goku he felt Sanzo's emotions when they were heightened… like Sanzo could hear him whenever he called, especially when he needed him.

So, right now he could feel the conflicting emotions running through Sanzo at this very moment. Fear, disbelief, anger, abandonment, need, and a yearning so strong that it pierced through all of Goku's doubts. He knew that Sanzo loved him, was, in fact, in love with him. He also knew that Sanzo was battling his own emotions as well as the truth about Goku's.

And now, thanks to their link, he had an idea why Sanzo was fighting so hard. Moving closer to Sanzo, slowly, carefully… Goku took Sanzo's slim, long-fingered and calloused hands into his own tougher hand. He felt Sanzo become rigid at his touch and try to pull away, but it was halfhearted at best and Goku refused to let him go. Looking into those fierce violet eyes that had the faintest hint of apprehension in their beautiful depths, Goku spoke with heartfelt sincerity.

“Sanzo, please listen, feel and accept what I'm gonna say. I'm not gonna leave ya… not willingly. And even if I do get killed someday, I'll claw my way out of wherever I'm sent to be with ya. I love ya and I'm in love with ya an' I always will. I've felt that way for a long time. Please, Sanzo. Just let yourself believe in me. Believe that I won't leave you, or abandon you, or get bored of you, or think your not enough, or anything else you've been thinking all this time. It could never be true, cuz all I've ever really needed was you. I know your scared ta trust in my like that… but believe in me… please!”

Sanzo shuddered as he felt and heard everything Goku was telling him. He felt it deep in his very core that Goku was telling him the truth… now all there was left to see was whether he is going to take that chance to believe in Goku and leap. 

Goku didn't close his eyes for an instant as he watched Sanzo's emotions flit across his eyes. Not even daring to breath, Goku saw Sanzo close his eyes to veil his feelings from Goku, before he opened them with a resolute look. Near panting because he refused to take a breath, Goku waited for whatever Sanzo had just decided.

Yanking his hands out of Goku's grasp, Sanzo leaned into Goku's space… and placed his lips on Goku's in a quick, but tender kiss… and whispered almost shakily.

“I'll believe in you, Goku… But if you ever make me regret this… I will be the one to leave your ass, got it?!”

Goku knew that Sanzo was being completely honest about both believing him and leaving him if he made him regret it and he knew that such courage from Sanzo deserved nothing less than a serious, profound answer… but all he could feel was the sudden uplifting joy that seemed to fill his heart to bursting as he threw himself at Sanzo in a joyful, giddy hug, knocking the monk onto the bed as he laid on top of him with a beaming smile.

“Oh, gods Sanzo. Thank you, thank you, thank you for believin' in me! I swear, I won't let ya down… no matter what I gotta do to make sure you never regret trustin' me with your heart.” He promised, zealously.

Sanzo just place his hand on Goku's head, ruffling it a little and whispered, softly.

“Bakazaru, I know.”

They laid like that for long minutes as they just appreciated each other's company and the possibilities on the horizon for them.

Then Goku spoiled the peaceful mood by leaning over Sanzo and kissing him. Startled Sanzo pushed him away, glaring in irritation at the fast-moving saru.

“Oi, saru. I'm going to make something very clear to you right now. We are not having sex for some fucking time, understand? And you are definitely not looking for companionship either.” He stated, explicitly.

“Aw, Sanzo. I already knew that… and I don't want anyone else, but can't I at least kiss ya?!” Goku whined with a pout.

Sighing exasperatedly, Sanzo just leaned up to silence the saru and kissed him. Goku breathed a sigh of exhilaration before he took control of the kiss.

Gently nipping Sanzo's bottom lip, he slid his tongue in when Sanzo gasped at Goku's unexpected move. Kiss deepening, Goku licked Sanzo's teeth, his inner cheeks and than playfully engaged Sanzo's tongue for a duel of dominance. 

Sanzo couldn't suppress the moans that left him as Goku kissed him with all the passion he was feeling. He didn't know kissing could feel so good. The kiss he'd shared with Hakkai earlier hadn't felt like this… it had felt okay, but nothing like the toe-tingling passion that Goku was bestowing on him.

When they finally separated to catch their breaths, Sanzo gazed up at Goku in wonder. Seeing that, Goku smiled brightly down at this sun and kissed him again, though this time it was more of a peck.

They were starting their new lives… together. Goku's thought that the only thing that could make this day better was if Gojyo and Hakkai had finally gotten together like he and Sanzo did… he hoped so, since he wanted his friends as happy as he was feeling right now.

No matter what happens from here on out, Goku would make sure that he and Sanzo were as happy as they could be in this ever-changing world.

 

End.


End file.
